Personal Struggles

Having been in the middle of the drama, I can tell you that it’s totally different than when you’re looking at it from the outside. You feel like things will never get better and you should resolve to just accept it, you don’t know where to start to fix things or if they can even be fixed, and, you beat yourself up wondering how you could have done things differently so as not to be in this predicament. It takes a toll on your confidence and your self-esteem. It can even plunge you into depression and addictions. Well, I would like to tell you, that it does get better. It may or may not be the outcome you were hoping for, but the universe has a way of setting you on the right path as long as you are willing to follow it. Now, I feel and know that I’m in a much better place especially since I’ve dealt with most of the emotional  trauma that was imposed on me but that I also imposed on myself. I’m more comfortable in my skin, mostly in a happy place in my head(always a work in progress) and I’m enjoying life.

So now, I’m on the other side of the coin. Watching family and friends going through their own struggles is actually much more difficult, because you often feel helpless with the situation and it seriously pulls at your heartstrings. Whether it’s a physical ailment, emotional disorder, difficulties with children or dissatisfaction in marriages, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re stuck on the other side of the bend. And waiting for a catalyst to propel you forward is usually emotionally draining. So, this is the time to lean on your friends and family, listen to their advice because they can see a bigger picture than you can, at this moment. It doesn't mean you have to take that advice, but consider it. Don’t ever think that you are being a burden. You are not, ever. Remember that they wouldn’t be there for you if they didn’t want to. They do it because they love you and they want you to be happy. They do it because they believe in you when you find it difficult to believe in yourself.

It’s great to have support but getting to that happy place still takes work, changes in lifestyle, letting go of old ideals and attachments, and realizing that you are worthy of that happy ending. Sometimes things work out the way you hoped and sometimes it doesn't, it’s up to each individual to make the best of the outcome.

a good little bit of advice

Lots of love,

Julie xx

Summer Bucket List

To some and even to me sometimes, it might seem like I’m going through a midlife crisis, and maybe I am and maybe I’m not. Since the Spring was life altering, I decided to continue the trend into the summer, replacing the negative experience with that of fun, adventure and happiness. I decided that it was time to do some of the things I’ve been wanting to do for a long time and no time like the present to face a few fears and to continue the life of adventure that I started when at 17, I left home to go work in a hunting and fishing lodge in Northern Ontario.

I’ve done some pretty amazing things in my life and have absolutely no regrets about living such an unconventional existence. After the fishing lodge, I was given the opportunity to be a deckhand on a commercial fishing boat in BC where I visited, saw and experienced things that leave me in awe, even to this day. The friends I made there, I keep in a very special place in my heart and I often think about our time together. I’ve been to Florida for spring break on the bus ride from hell; I’ve driven on my own from Vancouver Island to Sudbury, Ontario; I was lucky enough to find and marry a man who wanted the same adventures in life as me and returned to BC to introduce him to my friends; my first trip to Europe was in Amsterdam with my college classmates and teachers; I traveled to Eastern Canada with new friends; became a mother of the most beautiful baby boy; my parents generously took us all on a big family vacation to Walt Disney World; I had an amazing month in Reno, Nevada with my beautiful family, living in the funkiest place and seeing some of the greatest beauty this earth has to offer including Yosemite National Park, Lake Tahoe and San Francisco; I’ve lived and visited throughout Europe, a most incredible opportunity due to my husband; I’ve gone on a pilgrimage in Israel; I’ve traveled by plane, train and automobile; I’ve met new friends and family; I’ve home educated my son(one of the best experiences of my life); I’ve watched the stars through a telescope; planted gardens; hiked in some of the most incredible locations; been surrounded by people I love and who love me; I have felt deep love and deeper losses. I have lived. 

Yosemite National Park, Nevada, USA

Virginia City, Nevada, USA

Chipping Campden, UK  

Paris, France

Botany Bay, Margate, Kent, UK
home for 4 years

Spring Blue Bells near Ashford, Kent, UK

Dinan, Bretagne, France

Hiking in the mountains above Grindelwald, Switzerland

Cooking makkara (sausages) over the fire for an after sauna snack
with family in Finland

Having a 60's Hairspray party with friends in England

This past summer was like a reboot of my system after being on sleep mode for too long. And what a summer it’s been! For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like the summer has escaped me. When the beginning of August rolled around, it felt more like, wow! I have a whole other month of adventuring left instead of the usual, oh no! half my summer is gone, I haven’t done anything yet. So, now with Autumn fast approaching, I’m starting to slow down to take care of some ‘housekeeping’ and to reflect on all the amazing things I’ve done. Some of them I did on my own and were very personal and others were surrounded by loved ones. Alex and Ashley, his girlfriend, were troupers as I dragged them around either to take part in the adventure or to record mine. Hopefully, it’s taught them to be more spontaneous and to also live in the moment. My friends and family, as usual, have been a great support. They’ve encouraged me, taken part and a couple of people even managed to add a few things to my list, like a photo shoot and cliff diving. Thanks!

lyrics from Lush Life by Zara Larsson
my summer bucket list

Hiking with friends
Alex and Ashley 

Hang gliding

sunrise on Kempenfelt Bay

photo shoot with Laurie Goodman Photography
http://www.lauriegoodmanphotography.com/ 
http://blog.life-messages.com/

sunset on Georgian Bay

Now, before you let that negative inner voice start saying: ‘but I haven’t done anything…’. YES...YOU...HAVE! The point of sharing this was to make you think about your own life, because I had let my negative voice take over, and was thinking I had wasted so much of my life until I started listing my experiences. And yes there are things that we might regret but they are also part of the adventure. Just take a minute and think of the things you’ve done and people you’ve met. I believe there’s a reason things happen the way they do or that new people come into our lives and it’s our job to figure out why, again, part of the adventure. And, if you still feel like you’ve missed out, then start now. Live in the moment. Say YES more often. Get out of your comfort zone. Try new things. Take chances. Meet new people. Make new friendships. Create new experiences. Enjoy the little things.

Earlier this summer, I bought a tank top that said: “La vie est faite de petits bonheurs” (life is made of small pleasures). I decided to make it my summer motto and have not regretted one moment. I encourage each and everyone of you to try it out. Create an autumn or winter bucket list and just go for it!

With much love,

Julie

Much Has Changed

It seems that my last post reflected the beginning of much change in all of our lives. This is a letter that I posted on Facebook earlier this summer. Since then, I've decided to continue living life to the fullest and wish to continue sharing this wonderful adventure with all of you. 

Tragedies. Everyone experiences them in one form or other. They can be small or big, fleeting or permanent. Back in May, I was privy to the most inspiring group of people. It was at Laurie Goodman’s book launch “Life Messages- Enterprising Hearts” where some of them had bounced back from their own personal tragedies. Then, Laurie posted a quote that said: “TELL YOUR STORY-it heals” and so this is my story.

Three years ago, I came home from a holiday with my son and my life as I knew it was turned upside down. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions ever since. I've had to deal with emotional cruelty, deceit and lies where once there had been empathy, trust and love. I have felt  extreme sadness at the loss of a life that I truly loved. I've been angrier than I've ever been.  I felt humiliated, ashamed, disrespected, betrayed, manipulated, abandoned, rejected, and hurt. It did a real number on my self-esteem. I've cried more in the last three years than in the entire rest of my life.

I felt isolated because we were living in Europe. Far from home, friends and family, I mustered up the courage to contact some friends in Canada (I wasn’t ready to talk to my family yet).  They listened and then they offered advice, not on the situation, but on how to take care of myself. I started reading a lot and spending time outdoors. It was the beginning of my self discovery, my healing.

Even though the emotional turmoil has continued for the next three years, this experience has permitted me to delve into some ideas and perceptions about myself.  Characteristics I had always viewed as undesirable, I learned to understand and accept. It was like being in therapy where I was the patient and the therapist too. I started writing affirmations and positive quotes on post-it notes and would stick them around the house where I couldn’t miss them. I created a goal list through Mindvalley Academy that showed me the things I wanted for myself and how I wanted to give back to my community. From this I made a vision board and some of those visions have come to pass and more are coming to fruition. Like my job for example, it may not be the most glamorous but I love it. I have a passion for food and I wanted to learn about Eastern European foods because it was an area that I knew nothing about. Just as I was leaving one employment, I found this one at European Food Centre, catering to mostly Eastern European culture.  The people I work for, and with, are amazing and it feels like a family, where I feel respected and honoured for my strengths.

In the last year, especially, I have consumed many books on communication, relationships, happiness, pain; have watched documentaries and participated in Master classes on abundance, wealth, relationships; and through the love and generosity of friends, I have a life coach who’s helping me move forward, a personal trainer/nutritionist who has motivated me and been inspiring in my quest for health and a psychiatrist who helped me to see the best way forward.

The last few months have been the worst but my friends and family have been a Godsend. They have listened to me vent and complain,

given me advice, said things I needed to hear and have even physically brought me to places where I could get help when I didn’t think I could do it on my own. My heart bursts with love for them all. As I continue to visit my therapist to deal with my anger, anxiety and sleeping issues, I know that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be and that I will get through this.

As I gaze ahead and try to work through the residual negative feelings, I’m making a point of trying new things and rediscovering old ones. I’m enjoying listening to music again, and am learning to appreciate my 16 year old’s taste in music; I am rediscovering my spiritual side; doing daily yoga and Zumba a couple times a week; I’m enjoying nature and learning to enjoy being by myself. I look forward to my next great adventure and all the new people, places and things to discover.

With much love,

Julie